A smiling woman hugging herself to reflect self love

Why Self-Love is SO Important: A Conversation Between Coaches

By Published On: May 8, 2024

Video Summary

Self-love is the foundation upon which healthy relationships are built. Join our team of Certified Dating and Relationship Coaches as they discuss how self-love affects dating.

When we embrace and value ourselves, we set the standard for how we allow others to treat us. In dating, self-love acts as a compass, guiding us toward partners who respect and cherish us for who we are. It enables us to establish boundaries, communicate our needs, and make choices that align with our well-being. Without self-love, relationships can become a source of validation rather than mutual growth and support. By cultivating self-love, we not only enhance our own lives but also create the space for authentic connections rooted in respect, empathy, and understanding.

 

Heather: Welcome to love life Academy’s Conversation Between Coaches. I am so excited for this conversation. We have prepared a wonderful topic for you, all on the topic of self-love. Now, before you click away or maybe just kind of lose interest already, I promise this is unlike any conversation you’ve seen. We have really looked at and examined ways to help you in your journey to finding love. And believe it or not, this is often a very overlooked topic that we find that our clients don’t really take into consideration when they’re embarking upon their dating and relationship journey. So if your goal is to have a happy and healthy relationship, stick with us. We have a beautiful conversation prepared. 

Before we begin, I want to introduce myself and my team. My name is Heather and I’m joined by Jess, Dawn, and Lisa. All of us are certified as science based dating and relationship coaches, and we are very passionate about helping our clients achieve their relationship goals.

Now, before we begin, though, I do want to highlight a couple of things I think are important. One thing that I think we all like to do when we are starting our clients on their coaching journey is we have to get to know them, right? We got to dig in and find out what their life looks like, find out their passions, their interests, and even kind of some of the days where they don’t have a lot going on.

We want to know who they are at their core, because this isn’t a cookie cutter, one size fits all process. One thing that I know we all like to do is ask our client to describe their normal day, and after they’ve uncovered their busy lifestyle, we find that we also ask them, okay, but what do you do for you? When are you moving your body? When are you enjoying and participating in your personal hobbies?

And most times were met with a giggle, right? And hey, if you could find me the time, I’d love to participate in it. But just my life is just so busy. And so we want to be able to really help our clients through that. And then another thing that I think is important to highlight is kind of what society has done to self-love, and that is when we stand on our soapbox and we share our excitement for maybe our accomplishments in our lives or the things that we love about ourselves or any level of confidence, we’re kind of met with this, “Well, isn’t she egotistical?”, “Isn’t he full of himself”, when really that’s not what this is.

So what we find is that people often times mute themselves, and we practice that every single day. It has a huge ripple effect into all parts of our lives. And so I want to start right there. I want to start embarking on the topic of how damaging it is when you don’t focus on self-love.

And, Dawn, I know that this is a topic that you are extraordinarily passionate about. So please, over to you.

Dawn: Thank you. Thank you Heather, I appreciate it.

So I think I’ll start with really a lack of self acceptance is a big one that I see which can result in a lack of self-love. Right? And many studies have shown that these negative feelings and self criticism can lead to feelings of sadness, anxiety, depression just our health in general, it can really take a toll. Also, our sleeping habits, I think, are something to that. We want to really pay attention to. Am I getting enough rest? What can I do to kind of maybe have a calming situation going on before I actually go to bed and think about implementing those so that you can have that fuel for the next day.

Ignoring our own needs can break our confidence in a sense of purpose in life, which really is a big problem. We don’t appreciate our achievements. We expect too much from ourselves. I think we pick out our flaws and not paying attention to some of the wonderful things that we’ve accomplished. We’re overlooking and, also being more of a recluse, if you will. For some people, they’re not comfortable with social gatherings, large crowds or just interacting with anybody.

It gets to a point sometimes where they really are just kind of, feeling a lack of confidence and self esteem. Negative self image is another one, two where I think when people aren’t feeling comfortable in their own skin, they really are ashamed of their body, which I think is pretty prevalent. Like a lot of people, I think not loving ourselves as we are and happy with our appearance and personality.

So I think people a lot of times seek validation from others externally and looking for approval from others, and they have a fear of being judged, which is which I think is very, very harmful and can lead to self sabotage, beliefs and ideals. So I think it’s good for people to think about healthy boundaries, right? Many people have difficulty setting healthy boundaries, and as a result, they’re sacrificing their own personal needs for others, taking care of others, people pleasing the caretaker.” I’ve got to take care of the kids or the grandkids or my husband and or my wife” and not thinking about it. In order to be able to do that, I need to first look inward for my own self care and my own self worth. How am I going to be able to take care of me first, so I can then provide to all the others that I love and care about so much.

Heather: There’s so much there, I don’t think that we realize how harmful it can be.

And the thing that I love about our average client is that they are the givers. They are the ones that give so much to so many people and have so much love to give. But at the end of the day, that can be very difficult if you’re not giving that same kind of love to yourself. And like you were kind of touching on the physical and emotional toxins and, and the harm that this can lead to, it really just affects all areas of our lives. So that’s, that’s really important to, to understand about how this can have a negative impact. Thank you Dawn.

Dawn: You’re welcome.

Heather: Now, Jess, you’ve been working with clients for well over a decade. And I know that this is something that you like to sit your clients down and really examine what they’ve learned in the past in terms of some advice, what they’ve learned and implemented as a routine and have it today, and how that might actually not be helping them. And some tips, some really easy life tips that you give to your clients that make this whole thing fun. So if you don’t mind diving into this topic, I’d love to hear your perspective. 

Jess: As I was thinking about this topic more, the advice that we’re given on self care and connecting with others, it’s not always overt. It’s not “don’t do this and don’t do that”. We know self care is good. We hear that narrative.

It’s almost on everybody’s resolution. And at the beginning of the year, go to the gym, eat healthier. But I think that the advice that our world is giving us is negating what we inherently know to be true. We know self care is good for us, but the narrative, which turns into an internal type of dialog, is that actually no self care is you sitting on your soapbox.

It is you boasting about how you just did this in pickleball and how great you are because you’re not centering on others. And I think another narrative that we hear in society is that when you get a partner or when you’re looking for connections, you need to have that space and time for those connections. I find that that leads to a lot of daters not doing things. 

They don’t play that pickleball, they don’t go out to the art shows, they don’t go out biking because they’re waiting for a partner to do it. That so much of their self care it’s so much of a wrong priority. Prioritization of things. We focus on taking care of our pets.

We focus on taking care of our parents that are elderly. We focus on our career because we’re keeping what we think is the space for when that partner comes in. We don’t want to sound like we’re being selfish with our time and going on all these cruises and doing all these very personal things, because we don’t want to give that wrong impression to those people that we’re trying to make connections with.

But it just it ends up being a very bad path, I find, for clients to take. And it does include things like lack of sleep. It does include things like also  seclusion, which is something that Dawn even touched on. It causes people to really kind of pull within themselves trying to figure things out. The National Institute of Health actually reports that lack of self care contributes to difficulty and concentration. And I think this is really profound.

And we think about how we’re connecting with others, and we want to be very there in the moment on these dates or in meetings with our bosses, or when connecting with friends over a football game. We want to be very much there.  But when we don’t have proper self care, it’s very hard for us to be in the moment. It’s very hard for us to shine. I’ve heard many clients when asking them, well, how do you describe yourself? What do you like to do? It’s a lot of things that they haven’t done for a while.

It’s things that they they’ve lost sight of how to interact with. And I find that that difficulty and concentration really leads for them not to remember their dates very well. And it actually forces them to focus on the wrong aspects of connecting with people. So I find that one of the things that I do with my client is I encourage them to actually really look at their days, really look at what makes them happy, how they can fit those things in, how they are connecting with people and what makes them feel good about themselves.

One of the small tricks that I use with clients is actually encouraging them to create small self care routines, and it’s not as self care one size fits all. It’s not going to be the same thing that you do before meeting with your girlfriends for girls night. It’s got to be the same thing that you do before meeting with a lady for the first night of a dinner date. It can be anything and everything, from a really nice shower or a bath with all the accouterments, the really good smell goods, the lotions, the the perfumes, the bath bombs. It could be just really light exercise, go out for a jog, hit that treadmill for a few minutes. Nothing that’s going to exert us. Just help us clear our minds. Being able to focus on ourselves before we are in a situation. To have to focus on others really helps give us clarity. 

Some of my clients actually create playlists before they go to work or before they go to a date. Some of them will honestly just do a little bit of journaling or yoga. These small moments, on themselves, I find really helps them recreate that narrative, helps them refocus, and allows them to shine on these dates or these interactions with others. And it negates a lot of that advice that we’re getting from society. Don’t sit on your soapbox. And don’t do this and don’t decide the time that you are spending on yourself playing pickleball with new friends or putting a puzzle together. 

You can transition that time into spending with a partner. And still, when you’re on those dates, be able to show them all the great things that you’re actually doing now, not what you just used to do. Or hope to get into.

Heather: Yeah. And the thing that I love, that you did it, what it feels like when you were taking us through what people do, what you help your clients through before they meet somebody new or they just need that time to spend a few seconds with themselves and celebrate themselves taking that bath or going on a walk or dancing to your favorite music. Hello! That’s a good one.

It sounds like you’re resetting your nervous system. It sounds like just a few seconds of touching base with something that you love. We’re not talking about some big grand gesture of every day you have to set aside three hours a day.

No, your practice can be tiny touch points to reset your nervous system so that you are capable of coming back to yourself, loving yourself, and showing up for yourself. I think that’s going to knock the socks off of a first date, right? That is wonderful, wonderful. And I love the visual that you gave me because I’m going to do that at some point today. One of those things. I love it so much.

And Lisa, I know that for you, this is your passion project, self-love, confidence, all of these things. You’ve really dove into identifying real strategies that people can use and implement in their normal daily lives. So I’d love for you to take over this part of the conversation and share some juicy nuggets with us here.

Lisa: Absolutely. Thank you Heather. To just this point, I agree, there’s this mindfulness part and we need to be present on the dates. We need to be in touch with ourselves so that we’re not just showing up and trying to figure out what is this other person want from me, who do I need to be to be liked? I just want to be accepted.

We need to love ourselves so we don’t need this other person’s acceptance. We’re going in, getting in touch with our bodies, asking ourselves, do I feel good with this person?

Do I feel they’ve seen her? Do I feel attractive here with them? These are the things we need to be tuning in on, not how do I get this person to like me? We want to show up for ourselves first. Just like when you get out on an airplane and they tell you you need to put your oxygen mask on even before your own child or children, because we are no good to someone else. If we are  not able to function ourselves, we can’t help anybody else. This applies to relationships as well.

We have to show up being at least having the skills to fill our own cup in order to be able to  support someone else, and vice versa. So two people need to be able to show up knowing how to fill their own cups. Of course, there are times our cups might not be even, but that’s where we help balance each other out. So in order to do that, some of the skills that I teach my clients are that mindfulness. One thing is really looking at our inner critic.

What is the language that we’re using with ourselves? Dawn talked a lot about self judgment and the physical toll that can take on us. And it’s absolutely true. And I see it all the time with clients. We’re so critical of ourselves. And also when we’re judging ourselves, we’re judging others, which again, the self sabotage on dates we can shoot ourselves in the foot because we’re just showing up thinking all negative. We’re looking for all the red flags instead of green flags. So there’s so many things that we can shift in the way that we think and the way that we show up for ourselves, that will then help us to show up better for others.

Another part of it is doing what you say you’re going to do. If you have a coworker that every day you show up for work and they say, I’m going to bring you lunch today, a month goes by and they’re like, I want to bring you lunch today. And they’ve never brought you lunch.

You’re not going to trust that coworker as much. But we do that to ourselves all the time. We say, I’m going to hit the gym. We’re basically plants. We need sunshine. We need water, we need food. We need to do this for ourselves so that we can be a whole person when we find that right person. And again, you guys were saying, just for them to figure out what do they enjoy doing? We have to date ourselves first. Know what you enjoy doing when there’s nobody else’s needs or preferences on the line. You really need to know what likes you, what, what  makes you shine. Take that on dates with you. Take your shine on dates with you.

Like Jess said: Don’t be afraid to get up on your soapbox. You don’t need to be boastful, but you need to know what you bring to the table. You need to be able to show who you are, what lights you up, and why somebody would want to be in a relationship with you.

Heather: This is beautiful and I love all of this, and it sounds each of you individually just make it seem like something that I feel is really deeply understood. I’m hoping that this is resonating with people, because we have firsthand seen how it has helped a client’s journey or harmed a client’s journey. And, Lisa, I think everything that you’ve said is so beautiful, but I need a real life example of a real life client, because all of this sounds great. I know that you’ve got a special client in mind to tell us about, so why don’t you tell us about the client you’ve helped with this on their journey?

Lisa:  Yes. Thank you. I have a client. I’m going to call her Mary. We are just on our 12th session here, finishing up our program, and she has changed so dramatically. When she came to me, she was very much struggling with boundaries and people-pleasing. She was not putting herself first. She was showing up on dates, trying to be who somebody wants her to be trying to fix.

Like, oh, well, she almost felt like love was this finite resource. And it’s not. You want to find that right person for you, but you also have to be that right person. And so she started to learn to put herself first, to start asking those questions, to start going on a date and going “do I even want to be friends with this person? Do I feel good with this person?  Do I feel seen and heard, or do I feel like they’re putting me down when we’re talking?” And that was part of her pattern. 

And so for her, it was flipping the script to instead of looking for red flags, she started looking for green flags. She started to look for empathy in these people that were sitting across from her, so that she didn’t continue in these negative patterns. And I am so proud to say that she is really showing up for herself. She already had good self care, but she didn’t know how to have those boundaries with herself. To say, I’m not going to accept these behaviors from people I don’t need to fix. That’s not my job.

And so she is now leading with her interest first and foremost in her mind. And her dating journey is growing. And she’s getting so close to finding that right person. I can’t wait to hear when she does.

HEATHER: And see dating can be fun! When you’re doing all of these and practicing all of these things, getting to know people can be exciting. It doesn’t have to be so daunting. So I love that each one of us takes our clients through the journey of loving themselves, but really understanding what that even looks like.

And Jess, you touched on this and I’m obsessed with it. It is not just a one size fits all, cookie cutter thing for everybody. And every day and every situation. So to really show up for ourselves, we really have to know ourselves on a deeper and more meaningful level.

Now, before we close this out, I’ve actually asked each of you to come prepared with a motivational quote or sentiment to share with our viewers. And I’d love if you share that. Now, Dawn, do you mind starting us off?

DAWN: Sure! I love this said by Brené Brown and she says, “talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love”, which is so powerful.

HEATHER: Yeah. That’s a good one to put on the fridge and look at every morning. And she’s just the queen of motivation, right?

DAWN: Oh gosh. Yes, yes. Yeah. Absolutely. 

HEATHER: Yeah. Jess, what about you?

JESS: Mine is something that I share with all of my clients and I really try to instill into them. And it’s actually by Robert Hogan, who’s a psychologist, and he states “your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have”. And I think that this just beautifully encompasses why self care and self-love is so important. Because you do want that care and that love, and you want to set those standards and expectations appropriately for those around you to be able to uphold with you. So I love that quote.

HEATHER: That was a good one. That was really, really good. I can see how you would teach your clients and share that with them and have them keep that with them. And Lisa, what about you?

LISA: So one of my favorite quotes is by Carl Jung. And he says “that which we resist, persists”. And so often we see it, see this in our own lives. As clients, we have to show up for ourselves first. We have to start leading with curiosity instead of fear. We have to get rid of the show and start figuring out what’s intrinsic to us that motivates us, our values. So we want to stop resisting ourselves because if we do, we’re going to bring that fear right into our relationships. And they’re going to be less likely to succeed. So really stop resisting yourself and start figuring out what you uniquely need.

HEATHER: I love that, thank you so much, ladies and mine is really, really quick, really simple. Accepting love is just really hard without accepting yourself first.

We hope that you have enjoyed this conversation. Coaches my team, I love talking with you, sharing with you. If you, our viewers have enjoyed this conversation. We love talking all things

healthy relationships, connections, dating, anything. Just human connection. We eat up and devour and are really passionate about sharing with you, to help you in your path to finding and keeping a really, really healthy relationship. So like and subscribe to our channel where we will share more conversations just like this.

And of course, if you’re interested in learning more about each one of us, our program or coaching program, we offer you to come visit us at LoveLifeAcademy.com, and we can’t wait to help you on your journey to finding and keeping lasting love. Thank you ladies so much for your time.

Until next time. Bye! Thank you.

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Written by : Heather Drury

I love writing to share helpful tips on dating and relationships. I believe everyone deserves a chance at meaningful connections. Through my blogs, I break down important topics into practical lessons, aiming to empower people with essential dating and relationship skills for a thriving personal life.

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