Recognizing Red Flags
Red flags in dating are a hot topic. They even seem to be trending on social media platforms. With self-proclaimed experts sharing their opinions about red flags, it seems that there is no way to tell the difference between a red flag and a bad habit.
Enter the Expert
I have a confession: I am obsessed with the wildly successful podcast The Diary of a CEO. The host is Stephen Bartlett, a man who went from pennies to riches and seems to be on his own journey to self-discovery and improvement.
Every week, Stephen invites a new expert to join his podcast to showcase their work. Whether it’s discussing finances, relationships, health, or even the toxic chemicals in candles, it’s obvious that he is committed to a growth mindset and absorbing as much information as possible.
When I discovered relationship expert Paul Brunson was a guest not only once, but twice, I was thrilled! My favorite podcast interviewing a relationship expert? One that is as passionate about human connection as I am? It felt like a match made in heaven! Naturally, I dove headfirst into these incredible conversations.
But then Paul said something that I’ve never heard any relationship expert say in my 17 years in the dating industry: “There is no such thing as a red flag in dating”. This floored me. I immediately questioned everything I knew. Sure, I’ve spent almost 2 decades helping singles find love. I’ve also been trained and certified by a dating and relationship researcher. I’ve worked with some of the most seasoned matchmakers and dating coaches in the world, and I’ve never, ever heard someone say this.
It begs the question– If there are no such things as a red flag in dating, how can we know if someone is right for us? How open should we be when dating? And Mr. Paul Brunson, are you telling us that we need to ditch the red flags and be open to all match possibilities? Like… all possibilities?
A Lesson in Red Flags
During the interview, Paul was asked:
“If you find out your partner has previously cheated in other relationships, is that a red flag?”
Paul responded, “I believe behavior can change.”
When Stephen asked, “Is anything a red flag, aside from the dark tetrad?” Paul paused, deliberated, and said, “No. I think the dark tetrad, and no effort, are the red flags.”
I was stunned. I immediately paused the podcast to process this. Could Paul be right? Reflecting on the countless relationships I’ve helped blossom over the years, I realized he might be onto something. But then, concern hit me. How can people identify these red flags on their own?
Unless you have a strong support system—like a therapist, matchmaker, or certified coach—spotting significant red flags can feel nearly impossible.
Red Flag #1: No Effort
No effort in a relationship is a fast track to an unhappy, unhealthy partnership.
Paul provided straightforward examples of what “no effort” looks like:
- “Therapy? No, I’m not doing that.”
- “Watch a video on active listening? Psh, not happening.”
- “You’re telling me we need a trust exercise? Nah.”
If someone refuses to invest in the relationship, that’s a clear red flag.
Red Flag #2: The Dark Tetrad
“The Dark Tetrad” sounds like the title of a blockbuster horror film, but it’s far from fiction. Psychology Today defines the Dark Tetrad as “a set of interrelated negative personality traits: narcissism, psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and sadism.” Together, they form the ultimate storm for a toxic relationship.
Let’s break them down:
Narcissism
Narcissism involves a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for excessive admiration.
- Example: You’re dating someone who constantly dominates conversations, dismisses your accomplishments, and redirects any praise to themselves. When you express a need or concern, they accuse you of being “too needy” and make you feel guilty for asking for attention.
- Red Flag: They often fish for compliments and get upset if you don’t give them the admiration they expect.
While everyone has some narcissistic traits—like enjoying attention or being competitive—narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is dangerous. Someone with NPD can escalate to emotionally abusive or even violent behavior if they feel they’re not receiving the special treatment they believe they deserve.
Psychopathy
Psychopathy is marked by egocentric, antisocial behavior, a lack of remorse, and an absence of empathy.
- Example: Your partner lies about where they were, even when caught, and shows no remorse for hurting your feelings. They seem unaffected by arguments or emotional situations and change the subject when you bring up their behavior.
- Red Flag: They lack genuine concern for your emotions and are quick to dismiss your pain.
A person with psychopathic tendencies doesn’t care about your feelings. This lack of emotional connection makes a healthy relationship impossible.
Machiavellianism
Machiavellianism refers to manipulation, cunning, and deceit.
- Example: They subtly manipulate situations to their advantage, like convincing you to cancel plans with friends for their convenience or making you feel indebted for small favors. Later, they use this against you to get what they want.
- Red Flag: They frame their actions as “for your own good” while clearly benefiting themselves.
People with this trait may strategically exploit others for their own gain, often so subtly that you don’t see it coming.
Sadism
Sadism is the tendency to derive pleasure from the pain or suffering of others.
- Example: Your partner makes cutting jokes at your expense and enjoys seeing you flustered or upset. When you express hurt, they laugh it off, saying, “You’re too sensitive” or “It’s just a joke.”
- Red Flag: They repeatedly find ways to demean or hurt you and seem to enjoy your discomfort.
Sadistic personalities may inflict harm or simply enjoy watching others in pain. Either way, this trait has no place in a healthy relationship.
Each of these traits undermines the trust and empathy required for a healthy relationship. Recognizing these red flags early can save you from emotional harm and help you make better choices in your love life.
The Takeaway
Paul’s message is clear: don’t prejudge. Many people miss out on incredible connections because they think they know someone before giving them a chance. On the flip side, others rush into toxic relationships because they ignore clear signs and behaviors.
The key is balance. Keep an open mind, but stay grounded. Pay attention to actions, not just words, and ensure you have a strong support system to guide you through the complexities of dating.
Ultimately, red flags are real—but knowing how to identify and address them is where the real work lies.
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February 16, 2025
February 16, 2025
February 16, 2025
February 16, 2025