Book Review: The Man’s Guide to Women

If you’re looking for a tool to dramatically increase the level of intimacy in your life, the book The Man’s Guide to Women by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman should be first on your list. This is not just a tool for men. Ladies, this will change your love life, too.

Book Review

As our coach Lisa says, “Even as a woman, I learned helpful tips and developed a better understanding of why I feel the way I do and how we differ from men in our perceptions of self.”

Marie adds, “Initially, I believed the book would only be beneficial for men, but as we worked through it, I realized how enlightening it was for me as a woman!”

Jess comments, “I also think this is a great book for women. I have actually recommended it to a few female clients to help them communicate and articulate things better to potential and current partners.”

Our coaching team’s most recent book club selection has proven to be a fan favorite among all of us. We agreed to read a chapter from the book and then discuss it at our weekly meetings. Some of us purchased the hard copy while others chose the audiobook version. 

In this blog, we will break down our coaching team’s favorite lessons.

Attunement

For Nancy and Dawn, their biggest takeaway was the lesson in Attunement. 

Nancy: “I love the concept of attunement, a crucial skill for building genuine emotional connections. Attunement fosters trust—the number one thing a woman desires. This trust leads to fewer arguments and more fulfilling intimate moments, making a woman feel safe, secure, and emotionally connected.”

Dawn: “My favorite lesson was learning about attunement. That really spells out how most women want to feel in a relationship—physically safe, secure, and emotionally connected. We need a man who tries to understand who we are and what we need, non-defensively listens, and can empathize and affirm our emotions. This is truly all a woman needs to feel that he is trustworthy.”

Navigating Conflict

For both Theresa and Marie, Chapter 10’s “Learn to Fight Like a Girl” possesses the most impactful lessons.

Marie: “As I dove into the book, it started to register that being open to different perspectives can directly change relationships for the better. When men and women disagree, it’s so much easier to excuse it by saying men are from Mars and women are from Venus. We just speak different languages. Does it really have to be that way? This book made me realize that it doesn’t have to be. We can all speak the same language if we really take the time to just listen to each other.”

Theresa: “I like the chapter ‘Learn to Fight Like a Girl’ because it helps men understand that disagreements are not bad and provides tools to get through them.

The premise is that men and women handle conflict differently. It shares some of the root causes of why women get angry, such as powerlessness, injustice, and the irresponsibility of others. One tool is asking her questions like ‘What do you need?’, ‘What are you concerned about?’, or ‘What are you feeling?’. This can help in a disagreement because instead of trying to ‘fix’ or not listen and be a right fighter, it shows the woman he cares and wants to understand her. Since men get more physiologically aroused during conflict, it also gives tools to help regulate this, such as breathing, counting to ten, or taking a break.”

Skills and Passion

Lisa: “One lesson I often share with my male clients comes from the book’s reference to Napoleon Dynamite: “chicks dig guys with skills.” Men need to find and pursue their passions to build their social circles and increase their chances of meeting a mate. Even if your hobby is playing D&D, be the best Dungeon Master or player you can be—there are women out there who will be impressed by that!”

Is This The One?

Jess: “If I have to pick just one favorite lesson, it would be about commitment, specifically that it is a journey. In Chapter 13, they discuss the aspects of ‘knowing’ someone is the one and committing to her. I think that many people think this part is easy, but the book outlines that it’s not and that it is a journey in itself. Committing to someone is the acceptance of who they are and who they are trying to become. This may or may not include seeing eye to eye or always sharing interests. I like how they explain that making the choice to commit to someone is risky but rewarding.”

Highly Recommend

In conclusion, The Man’s Guide to Women is a transformative read for anyone looking to deepen their understanding and improve their relationships. Whether you’re a man or a woman, this book offers valuable insights and practical advice that can help you navigate the complexities of intimacy and connection.