Is it Love or Just Lust?
As a certified dating coach and matchmaker with Love Life Academy, I often hear clients asking, “Is it love or just lust?”
For example, some clients say, “I find them really attractive and am excited to hear from them, but how do I know if they’re the one?” Others ask, “We have such an intense connection, but is it just physical?” Or, “I’m falling fast for this person, but how can I tell if it’s something real or just infatuation?”
Science shows us that there are two primary types of love—Passionate Love and Companionate Love—and understanding the difference can help you navigate your relationships more effectively.
Passionate Love: The Fireworks Phase
Passionate love is characterized by intense physical attraction and the rush of “feel-good” hormones like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. It’s the heady feeling you get when you’re infatuated with someone. Think of the couple at the restaurant who can’t keep their hands off each other—the kind of chemistry that makes everything feel thrilling and fresh.
In this stage, people often idealize their partner, seeing them as perfect and ignoring flaws. It’s like being on cloud nine, where the euphoria and excitement can feel all-consuming. However, science reminds us that this phase is largely biological and typically lasts 12-18 months. After that, the “honeymoon period” fades, and couples may start noticing each other’s imperfections.
This is a critical point in many relationships. For some, the passion transitions into something deeper and more sustainable. For others, the excitement diminishes, and the relationship struggles to move forward. This is why it’s essential to slow down, reflect, and understand your feelings.
Companionate Love: The Glue of Long-Term Relationships
Companionate love is different. It’s the steady, enduring connection that grows over time. Unlike the intensity of passionate love, this kind of love is built on friendship, trust, and mutual support. Think about the kind of relationship where you can share your dreams, fears, and goals without hesitation. When you feel safe enough to be vulnerable and trust that your partner has your back, you’re experiencing companionate love.
This type of love often develops gradually, as couples make shared decisions, support each other through challenges, and build emotional intimacy. It’s not about grand gestures or fireworks but about the quiet moments of connection that sustain a relationship through life’s ups and downs. Couples in companionate love often find joy in shared routines, like cooking dinner together, walking the dog, or simply talking about their day.
Infatuation vs. Love
It’s easy to confuse infatuation with love, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Infatuation often feels like love because the intensity of the passion can be overwhelming. However, infatuation is usually fleeting, driven by physical attraction and hormones rather than genuine compatibility. Research suggests that many people experience infatuation multiple times in their lives, but only those relationships that evolve into companionate love are likely to stand the test of time.
To determine if it’s love or just infatuation, ask yourself: Do I truly know this person? Have we built a foundation of trust and friendship? Am I attracted to their character as much as their looks? If the answer is no, it may be time to step back and evaluate.
How to Build and Maintain Love
To nurture a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship, it’s essential to balance passion with companionship. For instance, if you feel like the excitement has faded, try adding some novelty to your relationship. Plan an adventure together, like hiking a new trail or signing up for a cooking class. The shared experience can bring you closer and reignite the spark. Even something as simple as watching a scary movie or trying a new restaurant can create a sense of excitement.
It’s also important to invest in the emotional side of your relationship. Take time to listen to your partner and share your own thoughts and feelings. For example, schedule regular check-ins where you talk about your goals, challenges, and what you appreciate about each other. These moments of connection can strengthen your bond and remind you why you’re together.
Another way to deepen your relationship is to surprise your partner in meaningful ways. This doesn’t have to be extravagant. Something as small as writing them a heartfelt note or planning a date night can make a big difference. The key is to show that you’re thinking of them and value your connection.
Love vs. Lust in Everyday Life
When you’re in love, you’ll notice that your partner becomes an integral part of your life. You’ll want to introduce them to your family and friends, involve them in important decisions, and build a future together. Love is about partnership and creating a “we” instead of just focusing on “me.” On the other hand, lust often remains surface-level, with conversations revolving around casual topics like work, sports, or current events. It rarely delves into the deeper aspects of who you are as individuals.
Final Thoughts
If you’re looking to build a long-term, healthy relationship, take your time. Get to know your partner on a deeper level, ask meaningful questions, and create a foundation of trust and friendship. A successful relationship isn’t just about the initial spark; it’s about nurturing a connection that balances passion and companionship.
Want to learn more about the science of love and how to build meaningful relationships? Click HERE to contact me. I’d love to work with you as your dating coach!
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February 16, 2025
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February 16, 2025