At Love Life Academy, our clients come to us with a really big goal: to find and keep a loving, healthy relationship. They’re done with the games, unhealthy or toxic people, and failed relationships. They want a love worth finding. To find a connection that’s meaningful, safe, and secure.  

But with their goal often comes a sense of urgency, which is completely understandable – who wants to spend the next 5 years experiencing loneliness? All of us deserve to be loved and accepted. In fact, one of our core human needs is to feel a sense of belonging. Our lives are so much richer when we share our most intimate selves with a romantic, long-term partner. But to rush the process of finding a partner means you sacrifice the meaningful opportunities dating and singlehood offer us. Believe it or not, being single can be rewarding, as long as you take it two steps at a time.

DATING STRESS

The anticipation of a date can often trigger overwhelming thoughts. When preparing for a date, have you ever thought something like this: “I know I need to make a stellar first impression, so I should buy a new outfit. I should also learn what to say to make a great first impression, get out of my comfort zone, and build my online dating profile, which means I also need to take new pictures so I should get a haircut, but I also need to decide which online platform is “safest”….. phew! That is enough to make anyone want to throw in the towel. And you haven’t even walked out your front door!

When you work to make change, even a good change, you run the risk of stress, burnout, and frustration. You may start your new goal strong for a few months, but after a while, your goal can become difficult. As a result, the progress you’ve made becomes hard to see so not only do you end up giving up, you feel more defeated than when you started. This experience is exactly what our singles report to us every day.

When you start your dating journey without a plan, your brain stresses about every little detail. Believe it or not, our brains are not big fans of change, even well-intended change. When you throw ‘everything but the kitchen sink’ at your goals, you set yourself up to fail. Period. 

TWO STEPS, THEN TWO MORE

(Personal note – when I learned this rule, my own goals became doable…. So stay with me!)

Enter Dr. Aditi Nerurkar’s Resilience Rule of 2. As she explains in her book The 5 Resets, The Resilience Rule of 2 is “how our brains make change possible”. Did you know that our brains are only capable of making and sustaining two new changes at a time? There is a certain level of adaptation that needs to happen before you can regain the stability our brains and bodies need. 

I want you to imagine yourself soaking in a hot tub. Like, a really steamy hot tub with bubbles. You know that tingling sensation you experience when you first get in? The way you have to slowly ease into the hot tub to get used to the temperature? But after a while, it’s the most relaxing experience, especially after a stressful work-week? That ‘ease in’ method is exactly what you should be doing with your dating and relationship goals, especially for a love worth finding. 

BREAKING IT DOWN

How do we apply The Resilience Rule of Two to your dating and relationship journey? Simple – aim to do two new things at a time. Then, wait 6-8 weeks, check in with yourself, and if it feels right, add two more new things. When you follow this rule of two, you are allowing yourself to acclimate to your goal, making your goal become embedded in your life.

As an example, let’s say I am coaching a client named Sarah. Sarah wants to get out and meet new people but she has no idea where to start. She is shy and has a hard time striking up conversations with strangers. Instead of throwing her into online dating where she’s forced to stand out in a sea of women, we break down her big goal into two small goals. First, Sarah commits to smiling, making eye contact, and saying hello to people in her normal daily life. Not with the intention of sparking chemistry, but purely to become used to and comfortable with small social greetings. 

The second goal is to join a club or meet-up group. After discovering that Sarah has a passion for improv, we decide to enroll her into a local improv group that meets once a week. 

What do any of these goals have to do with finding a romantic relationship? Everything. With just these two goals, Sarah is re-discovering a hobby, building her confidence, becoming comfortable with social exchange which in turn makes her more attractive and interesting to a future date! 

Then, at the 8-week mark when Sarah looks back at her goals and all that she accomplished, she is filled with pride. What used to be daunting and intimidating is now a natural part of her daily life. She is now ready to create two more new goals. Now THIS is how you discover a love worth finding!

Resources: 

Diary Of A CEO | Dr. Aditi Nerurkar

Inspiration: 

NPR

Thrive Global

5 Resets Book