Is My Date a Narcissist?

As a dating and relationship coach with Love Life Academy at The Matchmaking Company, I hear both sides of many dating encounters. I frequently have clients decline a second date because the person that they went out with didn’t ask them enough questions and spent pretty much the entirety of the conversation talking about themselves and their accomplishments. Many people wonder if this means the person that they were just introduced to is a narcissist.

In this article, I will share some alternative explanations and recommendations for whether or not you should have a future interaction with this individual.

Nervousness Presents Differently in Different People

A first date can be nerve-wracking for many people. Some people get nervous about any quiet space in a conversation and work tirelessly to fill it, even as the other person is just getting ready to join in but does so a bit slower than the other.

Conversely, some people are so turtled into their shells that it feels like pulling teeth to get them to open up and join the conversation. This does not mean that they are a narcissist if they talk excessively or are boring if it takes them a bit to warm up; everyone is at a different point and level of comfort on their dating journey.

Lack of Interaction

In a post-COVID world, many people are now working from home and don’t even realize that they have lost some valuable in-person communication skills. I have spoken to clients who work from home and now struggle to feel comfortable during in-person interactions that they once were presented with daily. They may be at the beginning of their dating journey and rebuilding these valuable skills. This could also result in too much talking if they have not had the chance to practice social cues and active listening due to fewer social interactions.

Men who work in male-dominated industries sometimes tend to try to talk to women like they would another man, dominating the conversation with all of their accomplishments. I frequently have male clients come to me after processing a first date and realize that they pretty much railroaded the conversation. They tell me that they are not used to talking to women who do not interject as much as men do, and they realize too late that they did not realize that the woman was waiting for him to ask her questions.

Your Date Could Have ADHD

Many people may have ADHD and are not even be aware of it. Women especially are under-diagnosed as we present differently than men, which has been researched more thoroughly historically-speaking. According to this Healthline article, people with ADHD tend to talk rapidly, interrupt, and change topics frequently.

Although frustrating at times, these people can make wonderful partners with a bit of patience and some understanding of what benefits and challenges nuerodiversity presents.

Should I Give Them a Second Chance?

Given all of the above situations, it never hurts to try go out again and see if things are different on the second date. A good way to tell if this person is self-absorbed or if they might just need a little refresher on social norms and cues can be determined by gently communicating that you did not get a chance to share much about yourself. You can do this on the date or even on the phone when you go to set up the second date. You can say something like “I learned so much about you today/on our first meeting, I’d love to answer any questions that you may have about me/when we meet again.”

They may apologize and explain why they were so chatty which would allow you to get to know them a bit better and even have a good laugh. However, if they become defensive or accusatory, that is a good reason to decline a second date.

I just realized that I am the person who dominates the conversation, what can I do?

If you happen to know that you get nervous on dates and tend to dominate the conversation, don’t be afraid to be up front about it and give the other person permission to jump in if you are prattling on. Being up front allows you to show a little bit of vulnerability and even interject a little bit of humor about your known shortcomings, which we all have! The same goes for anyone who tends to be a little more buttoned up until you have a chance to process meeting a new person and warm up to them.

In Summary

Don’t assume that because someone does not act as you would in a first encounter that they are not worth a second meeting. Here at Love Life Academy we recommend giving someone three interactions before deciding if this is a friend, something more, or someone that was nice to meet, but not a connection we wish to continue.

For additional help navigating these conversations consider working with me. You can learn more HERE.