The Four C’s of a Healthy Relationship

By Published On: July 14, 2022

If you’ve never been shown what a healthy relationship looks like, how will you know how to be in one?

For me, it’s been 21 years of trial and error. As a child, I was raised by two people that were technically married. But beyond a piece of paper binding them together in law, there wasn’t much more evidence of a relationship between them. Never once did I see my parents embrace, speak admirably about each other,  or express any kind of romantic affection. They didn’t even share the same bed. It was as though they made a mutual decision to survive together—but agreed that they were not in love. 

Challenging life moments were met with either silence or arguments. There were no discussions around the dinner table, holidays, though decorated, were absent of warmth, and fights were frequent and filled with bitterness. 

Celebratory moments from my childhood were half-full. I watched this couple with the hope that my success would bring these two together. I wished to see them hug. To even look at each other and smile. But it never came. 

By the time I turned 18, everything I knew about relationships came from either the example of my parents or Dawson’s Creek. So, when the man I would later call my husband asked me to be his girlfriend, I knew that there was a lot I had to learn about love if we were to make it last.

Recently, I’ve started wondering—what would I tell my younger self to help prepare her for such a commitment? For nearly two decades of marriage? For sharing her life intimately with another person? I think I would tell her to master what I call “The Four C’s of a Healthy Relationship.” They are: conflict, communication, compromise, and commitment. 

1. Conflict

Fights. Disagreements. Silent treatments. Yes, they all exist in relationships. No matter how compatible, mature, healthy or educated you are—you are human, plain and simple. And, no two humans are ever the same. Spoiler alert: no matter how compatible you are with your partner, you WILL disagree at times. But it’s how you handle the disagreement that matters most, because believe it or not, conflict is healthy for a relationship. 

It took me about 10 years to figure out how to “fight” with my husband. Because of my upbringing, all I knew how to do was either shut down or react. About a decade into my marriage, I got the most unexpected and impactful advice I’ve ever received in my adult life. In the midst of a highly emotional situation, an important role model sharply told me “you need to stop being so sensitive”. Initially, that remark struck me as offensive. “How dare you call me sensitive!” I thought. 

But as the initial defensiveness wore off, I actually listened to the words. I reflected on my behavior. Why was I always so ready for a fight? Why was I so enamored with making my point known and being right? Why did I always become red with anger? 

Those words, “stop being so sensitive”, have completely grounded me. I now take a breath before reacting. I ask for space if I’m unable to communicate respectfully and clearly. I listen to understand, not to respond. I am far, far from perfect but simply understanding how to navigate conflict or disagreements has dramatically improved my connection with my husband. I have also learned the art of apologizing. At the right time, a simple “I’m sorry” can be the most powerful, healing words ever spoken.

2. Communication

In my opinion, communication is the second most intimate part of a relationship, after physical intimacy. There is nothing like sharing your raw feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams with your partner. 

Prioritizing one-on-one time together is tough. But my husband and I have always loved to talk. To discuss our days, plan out our future, and share our struggles. Once we got into the habit of talking again, it was something we didn’t realize we desperately missed.

Prior to the pandemic, we were in the throws of life. With full-time jobs and two young children, we accepted the idea that there was no time for just the two of us. We settled on our familiar routines and it seemed to be working. Yet, at times, we felt like two ships passing in the night. 

Despite its difficulties, the pandemic offered one unexpected outcome for my husband and me—it allowed us to date again. Tired of spending so much time in the house, we decided to try something new one night and we ventured down the road for a place to escape. We ended up stumbling upon a charming, little brewery with outdoor seating and delicious drinks. Naturally, we started to talk—about everything! What to do with our future, memories from our younger years, the events of the world—all these things that we were too busy to discuss before. There was no topic off-limits. We just talked and talked and talked. Before we knew it, sneaking off to our little brewery became our new tradition. As the months passed, and our communication grew, we realized we were growing closer together, too. We had found the importance of dating again, that we missed each other, and that our electric communication is what made us fall in love in the first place. And as life settles back into some form of normalcy, my husband and I have agreed never to let life consume us and take this away from us again.  

The slowed pace of life that came with the pandemic ended up bringing a whole other level of growth to our relationship. As my husband likes to say: “COVID tested us, and we passed”. 

3. Compromise

Compromise is not difficult when you feel safe. Loved. Respected. And trust your partner explicitly.

Although this might sound crazy, sometimes that means just letting your partner win. I understand that this is an oxymoron. Letting someone “just win” is not an act of compromise. But once I found that I didn’t need to be so overprotective of my needs, I learned to trust—really trust. So, I happily let my husband take the lead on some things. When I started to let go, he followed suit. He saw me trying. It didn’t take long before we found a happy medium that worked for us. Now, we don’t just give each other what we imagine that the other wants, we’ve learned to subconsciously understand how to find something that satisfies us both. 

4. Commitment

“The secret to a successful marriage is to never want a divorce at the same time”. I heard that quote many years ago and it’s stuck with me ever since.

Trust me—decades of loving the same person will bring extremely challenging moments. Stress, loss, personal struggles, careers, children… any one of those can cause a huge rift in a marriage. I guarantee that at some point, giving up will seem easier than staying together. My biggest, most valuable, and vital tip: fight like hell for your relationship. Unless there is any form of abuse or unforgivable behavior, always, always choose each other. 

What are the best ways to remain committed? Adventure together. Find a hobby you can share. Be intimate on a regular basis (even if you have a headache). And if you need it, go to therapy together. Grow, learn and care for each other. 

Conclusion

So, How can you succeed in a healthy relationship? Start by finding happy, healthy, and long-lasting relationship role models. No matter the stage in your relationship (single, dating, married, etc), continue to expose yourself to healthy relationships and people that will support you and your commitment to your partner. 

Now, 21 years later, I look back with adoration for the girl I was. It fills me with pride that though I had no tools in my relationship tool bag, I’m happily married to the same man who took a chance on me all those years ago.

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Written by : Matchmaking Team

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